With a point to prove after last week's draw, Witan 1s faced a strong Kings OB side who had only lost 1 game in the league so far. The two sides met earlier in an enthralling cup tie which ended in a 4-3 loss after Witan had gone 2 goals ahead, so the team were confident on getting a result this time out.
With Kings grass pitch mysteriously waterlogged after a week without rain, the venue changed to 3g - a playing surface we thought would suit Witans slick Barca passing style of play. However, warm up preparations were hampered by the under 8s games taking place on the pitches before kick off, resulting in the following 30 second passage of play from the Witan KO. Captain JB plays a sloppy ball to CB Dele, who panics with the King's pacy striker pressing him and goes down in Neymar style before Kings smash the ball in. Witan 1-0 down before Almos could even tie his laces.
2 minutes later and the score had doubled. Kings RW rolls Wallace, delivers the ball into the box for their striker to double his and Kings tally.
Witan hadn't had a worse start to a game in their 1569 year history.
Kings smelt blood and were determined to kill the game off early, but the Witan mentality was not as weak as they thought. Conjuring up the fighting sprit of Bangers defending himself against haddock votes, Witan stood tall and fought off the siege that came in the next 15mins. The aggression came through when Ian slide tackled Kings CM from behind to earn himself a yellow - breaking up Kings rhythm.
20mins in and Witan had won a corner. The ball swung in by Jeremy with Tesla maps like precision reached an unmarked Jack Roberts, who on his debut sidefoots the ball wide from 5 yards out. Calls of "it was easier to score" could be heard from the opposition bench. But we knew we were in the game.
A few minutes later and Jack was involved in another incident, this time in his own area as he lunges for the ball and 'wins it cleanly' with the King's striker going down like he'd just been sniped. Goal kick.
25mins - Kings with a good move from the RW who puts in a cross to the striker, looking for his hat trick but superbly denied. Witans no.1 Kier Baker coming out on top to stop a strike against the odds from point blank range. The first of many good saves to come, as a few minutes later he produces a triple save to keep Witans hopes alive.
35 mins in and the ref, who I can only assume was half blind, gave a number of questionable fouls in Witans favour (throughout the game this evened out), angering Kings CM who gave a foul rant at the ref, earning himself a yellow and a 10min sin bin.
Witan looked to capitalise on the 10 men of Kings and almost pulled one back with a splendid passing move. Ben Wright threading the ball through to Beer, who finds the supporting run from Savage, who looks to sweat the ball to Jez in acres of space only for a last ditch intervention from the final man to stop a sure goal.
Witan go into half time 2-0 down.
As the second half started Witan were ready to mount a comeback after a great team talk by skipper Jonny Baxter. Disaster struck in the 46th minute as recent marquee signing Mikey Savage went off with a twisted ankle. Off went the only free flowing part of Witan’s football as Mikey’s luscious locks were no longer to be seen.
Not many highlights followed for Witan as an impressive Kings midfield continued to dominate. In the 65th minute Kings were through on goal again on the right wing however were thwarted by a superb goal-line clearance from debutant Jack. Witan’s most recent academy graduate instantly formed a great partnership with the most loved “Dele” in football.
A moment of madness occurred in the 70th minute as part time florist full time cage fighter Marios chokeslammed a Kings attacker to concede a penalty. Up stepped aging goalkeeper Keir Baker who confidently dove the right way to save the penalty. His catlike reactions belied his many many years and drew a wild applause from the Kings Ultras. Keir later stated the key to his heroic save was him not “being a moron” and knowing which side the attacker was going. Rumours of a call-up to the Austrian national team have followed his man of the match performance.
Club legend Tom “Bangers” Bangerton showed great sportsmanship throughout. Club ambassador “Del” the personal hero of Bangers would have been proud of his adopted son. On numerous occasions Bangers kicked the ball out after an opposition injury or even when he just ran out of breath himself.
In the dying minutes a long ball came in. A cry of “Ian’s ball!” could be heard throughout South London. In spite of this, recent Galactico signing Almos Beer still clattered into his teammate in a way which epitomizes Witan’s recent self destructive performances. Luckily Witan’s hero Jeremy “Jezla” Deasley was on hand to lend his magic touch and Ian escaped with his life.
All in all a disappointing day for Witan but a great day for Keir who went home with a video of his pen save. If he hasn’t already shown you, Keir has added it to his Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, TikTok, Myspace, Bebo, LinkedIn, Tinder, and OnlyFans page.
Authors: Mikey Savage and Almos Beer
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