The day started in typical Witan fashion with the kit arriving 30 mins before kick off. Fingers were pointed, cursives were expressed but the unfortunate nature of young boy Jack "Roberts" Foreman's Girlfriend (also the pitch side coach for the game) being late from an impressive and should I say, quite dominant hockey performance, left the boys cold, exposed and just disappointed as they waited for the imminent kit delivery.
Once the pitch arrived, the team got into their zone as they approached a crucial 6 pointer with Reigatians sitting only 3 points behind Witan with a game in hand.
Keir pointed out that he had bought new gloves for the special occasion (oh the irony... as we'll find out later)
"Novum caestus ad custodis" - Keir's repetitive pre match mirror speech
Jonny Baxter produced his best moment of the game before the whistle as a change of ends was granted by the Witan captain starting Witan with an uphill climb in the second half.
It was clear that the wind of Tadworth was going to prove difficult for both keepers as shanked goal kicks floated towards Witan's forward players as they pressed early on for the first goal of the game.
Witan were dominant, the goal was coming.
A long ball from Adam Clifford landed at the feet of Stathis who cruyff'ed the flying challenge and continued to jink in and out leaving the CB with a face full of grass and a pair of broken ankles slammed in a finish straight through keepers legs
With the pressure firmly against the home side. A long ball over the top was misjudged by the Witan defence as their striker sidestepped Clifford for a 1 on 1 effort against Witan's Poshest Northerner. A low driven shot excellently saved with the right foot of Baker.
From the resulting corner, a fine clearance back to the oppositions ancient CB (see earlier) resulted in a brilliant assist straight to the lurking Stat who ran through on the right to slot in his brace from a ridiculous angle to make it two nil with only 20 mins gone. 2-0 Witan.
Jonny clearly found Adam's freekicks notable as he persuaded the reporter to include a mention in the report so here goes: Clifford shanked two terrible free kicks straight to the oppositions forward player.
After 30 mins Baxter had to leave the field after milking what appeared to be a leg broke only to miraculously heal into a dead leg. This meant a much anticipated debut for Dave Skelton, hoping to last longer than the average pubescent boy.
45+1 mins - Dave made an immediate impact and took over from Adam's free kick taking duties. A beautfilly floated ball was put in to the back post where Archie rose to head in the ball close to tree behind the goal.
HALF TIME
A quieter start to the second half again prompted another mention to the captain who had somehow managed to pass on Jez's "advice" to immediately go to A&E as he strolled onto the pitch after 55 minutes. His first touch on the ball almost took Bangers head with it as it was launched out for a throw in to the Oppo.
A big moment again involving the Gen Z'er Roberts who ended up the wrong side of the striker through on goal, deciding to do it all for the cause and go full on Manu Tuilagi. Eerie whispers from the crowd were felt across the pitch as the ref reached for his pocket... a yellow card which quote would have been a red of this was a proper game. Insulting as it was, we would take it as Jack managed to remember his pornstar and gameday name Jack Foreman for a naughty £12 fine.
Witan against the run of play picked up a free kick on the edge of the box as Bangers was hacked down by... you guessed it, that old geezer at the back. Step up Witan's free kick maestro - Jez Deasey! Wait that can't be right....
The worst free kick that we have ever witnessed resulting in a goal dribbled in at the same top speed of Mr Baxter as it slipped under the keepers tiny hands. The groundsman appeared pleased with Jez's grass cutting efforts. 3-0 Witan.
With clear daylight for the visitors, the hosts grew frustrated as Stat was on the wrong side of a horrible two footed challenge causing Louis to sprint the full length of the pitch to square up to the tiniest player on the pitch. A Haddock-worthy effort.
75 mins - Reigatians started to pile up the pressure as a through ball to their striker was perfectly challenged by Jon Stuart with the pair bundled over by the incoming Adam. A certain Deja Vu from the 4-4 draw hilarity between Jez and Deli. A decision that could have gone either way in the penalty box but a throw in given. Lying face down appearing unconscious, Adam fooled the ref thanks to his more recent improv classes and Dead Fred impressions.
With the hosts leaving one at the back, a well whipped in free kick was glanced away by Archie Watt. Witan fully backs against the walls for the final 10 mins despite their lead.
With an easy clean sheet on the cards, Witan went into full panic, having not been in this situation for almost 20 years. A Saturday league scramble near the corner flag led to Jon passing a perfect ball across the 6 yard box to their striker who mopped up with a finish off the post on in the 88th minute. #bottlegate Witan 3-1.
A few minutes later and the hosts were gifted a corner, a beautiful assist from Storm Eunice drifted over the the stranded Keir Baker who palmed the ball into the top right corner to make it 3-2 with two minutes to go.
We've been here before...
One last chance for the hosts as Tom Edmonds swiped at a clearance resulting in a throw in towards the corner flag. With the ball launched in in the last minute of the game, the crowd held their breath as the ball fell to Reigatians striker on the edge of the box. Hit with terrific connection, the Witan faithfuls sacrificed themselves, throwing their flailing bodies towards the incoming missile.
The whistle came and the single spectator erupted in delight.
A very important win from the 1's that almost prevents relegation this season.
Haddock eventually went to Keir Baker for his flaps in goal and apparently blaming the first goal on his water bottle on the side of the pitch?
And breathe...
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