The stage was set for an absolute scorcher. The hottest September on record coinciding with the hottest Witan team on record - a 12 man squad full of Witans sexiest players.
An 1130 meet for a 1230 kick off had been laid out by the gaffer. At 1145, we had a measly 4 players and by 1220 we had just 9 players on the pitch. Sexy but not punctual apparently. There were even shouts to get Diva’s pal who turned up to pull on a pair of boots.
Big Jonny B did his best to delay the kick using infamous tactics such as forgetting his team sheet and begging the ref. Luckily, a couple of minutes before kick off, Mathaeus rocks up raring to go. Witan start with 10 men.
The 10 10/10s did a great job of frustrating the Old Thorntonians for the first quarter of the match. We held together tightly and wasted time wherever we could in the hope that our fabled 11th and 12th men would turn up. Highlights of time wasting include Rodri booting the ball away after giving away a throw in, Jonny booting a Marcus throw-in directly out as far as he could onto the next pitch and Dele going down for a good few minutes with a bad back. Dele did actually hurt his back so not the most sophisticated time wasting you’ll ever see.
The midfielders and forwards ran around like lunatics - special shout out to Bangers for using his walk around doing fuck all, then sprint like a mad man every five minutes technique. It was very effective.
Witan reach the first half water break at 0-0 and looked the better team. James’ appearance really lifted the morale of the now 11 men of Witan and we started the second quarter strong. After some neat passing from midfield, Deybson plays a naughty ball through to Marcel who send the keeper the wrong way and buries the ball bottom right. 1-0 Witan, it was our game to lose (and lose we did).
Marcel has another shot deflected wide and Matheus sees a lovely curling effort from outside of the box fizz just wide of the post. Witan are looking tasty but find themselves defending a corner…
In a moment of madness, as he tries to clear the ball from the corner and launch a counter attack, Witans sexiest player flails an arm at the ball. Penalty. Twat. 1-1.
Shortly after, Witan find themselves defending a counter attack and end up on the receiving of the Old Thorntonians cross of the year. It was pinpoint onto their man at the back posts head who makes no mistake nestling it in the corner. 2-1.
After much of the possession and chances in the first half, Witan feel a little hard done by at the break. Combined with the arrival of Fede (who criminally managed to avoid a haddock despite turning up halfway through the match) we were ready to come out fighting in the second half.
We didn’t come out fighting - the opposition find themselves nestling the ball in the top corner with a floating ball that lobbed the keeper. Not much you can do about those: 3-1.
The ref wasn’t happy about us trying to do rolling subs and Jonny rightfully had a bit of a tantrum on the sidelines when the ref wouldn’t let him bring himself back on.
About 55 minutes in, Mathaeus finds himself in a bit of space about 45 yards out and channels his inner Paul Scholes. Unfortunately the keeper was equal to it and Mathaeus found himself on the end of some stern looks for having the cheek to shoot from 45 yards.
Shortly after, Old Thorntonians get a throw in our half. You guessed it, in true Witan style we go down 4-1. Within minutes Witan respond by ignoring a trickling shot from 25 yards that everyone thought was going wide. It didn’t go wide: 5-1. This is getting embarrassing.
Witan didn’t let their heads drop (too much) and continued pressing late into the second half. After some good pressure in the closing stages, the keeper misskicks his clearance to Marcel about 30 yards out. That was a mistake as Marcel smashed it back first time with the inside of his foot and nestled the ball just under the cross bar.
Final score Old Thorntonians 5 - 2 Witan
Special mention to Mathaeus and Rodrigos fans for turning up and not watching any of the match. Wise decision.
Written by Marcus Salt
Split loyalties here as I played for O. Thorntonians for 4 years before moving to Witan in 1970. A win/win for me.