For Witan 1s, GW4 mirrored GW3: Navigate train strikes en route to an awkward away game and produce silky football en route to a 2-0 win. Danny and Dele dominate at the back, Federico pulls the strings in midfield and Captain Baxter gets (joint) haddock. Eat, sleep, win 2-0, repeat.
Witan emerged from the Clapham Junction traffic jams aiming to “look smart, play smart” with a glossy new kit to match Old Strand’s glossy pitch. Dele’s biceps bristled in the muscle fit tops, Mikey finally found a Witan shirt that fit, and everyone enjoyed socks that actually covered their shins.
Pre-match, the old guard of Baxter, Bangers and Ben Wright passed on warnings from this fixture 12 months ago, when Witan were outplayed and lost 4-1 to an excellent Old Strand side, and Ben collected MOM simply for turning up (straight from the airport).
Keen to avoid a repeat, Witan attacked directly from kick off – false nine Bangers exchanging the first pass with Baxter then gunning forward alongside Jez Deasey, Jonny Page and Deybson Souza. Old Strand replied with their own early warning, overturning possession inside the Witan half and sliding an incisive through ball between Baxter, Danny and Dele, who were all relieved as the resultant shot skimmed wide.
As the first half unfolded in breathless fashion, the sizeable crowd (surely double figures) marvelled at both teams’ flowing passing moves, the ball barely leaving the outstanding playing surface. Witan’s Federico “Pirlo” (or Xavi, or Guardiola) wrestled Strand’s dangerous no. 10 for midfield control, while Ben Wright and Mikey Savage combined dangerously down Witan’s right.
20 minutes in, Witan opened the scoring with a delightful team move. Jonny Page picked out marauding left back Jez, who controlled neatly and curled a precise cross into the path of Deybson, who “flew” between the Strand CBs to head home from 6 yards. First blood to Witan; 1-0.
Moments later and it was almost two. Bangers’ smart low shot was spilled by the Strand GK but Baxter couldn’t move his long legs quickly enough to follow up.
After 30 mins of tiki taka, both sides gave set pieces a go. Old Strand unleashed the first of several monstrous long throws into Witan’s penalty area – cue panic (#vintageWitan) as a Strand header sailed over the bar. But in a break from tradition, Witan learned their lesson and Keir, encouraged by Dele to “be positive”, dominated Strand’s long throws for the remainder of the game, producing several hefty punches and one impressive catch under pressure – each met with a resounding “WELL PLAYED KEIR!” from Captain Baxter.
At the other end, Federico earned the first of his three haddock entries for mercilessly ignoring an injured Strand player and taking a corner when none of the other 21 players or the ref were looking.
An even first half ended 1-0 and Witan’s team talk was simple: “keep it going lads”. The Old Strand team talk must have been somewhat different though, as they began the second half with two acts of violent self-sabotage.
First, seconds after the restart, the Strand left back kicked his own leg instead of the ball, painfully jarring his knee. Step forward Super-Jeremy Deasey to deliver his “Don’t worry I’m a physio” speech and wiggle the injured leg around a bit.
Two minutes later, Strand’s RB made a bid for some Jez-lovin’ by comically body slamming a dugout on the neighbouring pitch. This time Jez stayed out of it but this public rejection clearly offended the Strand RB, who later brutally swiped Jez’s legs from behind in retribution.
Back to the football, and by now Federico “Iniesta” (or Kante) was running the show with another virtuoso midfield display. His pinpoint passing and lightning interceptions delighted Witan’s away fans: club stalwart Derek and his partner Jenny, who had understandably migrated away from Del to the opposite side of the pitch.
By contrast, it seemed Fede’s midfield partner Baxter had put his new Puma boots on the wrong feet, disconnected his radar and forgotten that Witan’s new kit was still blue. Baxter earned a share of the day’s haddock for twice mistaking an Old Strand player (wearing red) for a teammate and simply passing them the ball – including when an easy, confidence building pass to right back Ben was actually a gift-wrapped pass straight to the Strand left winger, yards from the Witan area. Luckily Ben Wright, Danny and Federico spared Baxter’s blushes.
On 57 mins, frustrated by those passes and another mis-control, Baxter slid into a full-blooded challenge, conscious that if you can’t pass, then you should at least tackle. But shortly after that even tackling went wrong as referee Chris Robinson body-checked Baxter mid-challenge, causing Baxter to take evasive action and kick his opponent instead of the ball.
It was therefore against the odds that on 65 mins, Baxter would put Witan 2-0 up, though his goal owed everything to great interplay from Witan’s front three and a glorious assist. Deybson found Jez on the left, who cut inside and released Bangers down the right. The crowd gasped as Bangers instinctively whipped in a stunning cross from the byline, which Baxter met with a firm header into the bottom corner.
Utilising his head once again, Baxter almost clocked an assist of his own, heading on James Silva’s chipped pass to send Jez bearing down on goal. From the corner of the box, Jez lifted the ball over the advancing keeper and all eyes turned to the ref as the ball was cleared from a foot behind the goal line – but the ref was back on halfway, seemingly beyond the limit of his vision, and he denied what was surely a clear goal.
Old Strand were reeling and piled bodies forward but couldn’t find a way past Witan’s resolute back five. Danny and Dele dominated the centre, winning every header and tackle, while Ben Wright and James Silva offered rapid protection either side. Confidence high, Ben impressed everyone with a crisp cross field ball from right to left, and James managed the first throw in of his Witan career for which there was no question of a foul throw. Faced with a Witan wall, Strand resorted to long shots that were confidently collected by Keir.
By 75 mins, Federico and Michael Oroja were dictating the play through futsal-like pass and move. Such was their control that, inside the Strand area with the ball at their feet, they held a lengthy meeting before concluding that their best option was simply to give the ball away: haddock entry #2 for Fede.
With 10 minutes remaining, Strand attacked further but Witan’s defence stood firm and set up regular counters. First, Deybson picked up the scraps from a Witan corner, shimmied past a defender and crossed low through the 6-yard box but Danny Payne could not quite stretch far enough to tap in his long awaited first Witan 1s goal. Next, Michael Oroja bulldozed through several tackles before finding Mikey Savage on the left-hand corner of the area – his curling shot towards the far corner looked a certain goal but sailed just wide. Finally, Jonny Page, providing fresh energy and presence up front, almost scored from a tackle but his block didn’t quite escape the keeper.
Into the last 5 mins and Witan sat back to see the game out. A heroic block from Danny kept the score at 2-0, while Keir decided not to trust any of his tired teammates with possession of the ball, instead simply hoofing it 90 yards to the opposition GK three times in a row.
The final act of the match saw James submit a late haddock entry, as a mazy run past numerous opponents took him into unfamiliar territory high up the pitch. Scared witless by the sight of the Strand penalty area and unsure how to use his right foot, James panicked and backheeled the ball two yards to the Strand centre back.
As all 13 teammates reviewed the match over an excellent post game drinks session, Federico “insert world class CM here” Mora took a near unanimous MOM vote for a superb midfield display that left Old Strand chasing his shadow.
Haddock was split between the central midfield sitters, with Baxter passing more often to Strand than to Witan and Federico earning three different entries for his impatient corner, mid-match conference and simultaneously wearing merch from Man City, Liverpool and Atletico Madrid. Tied haddocks are decided by the MOM and surprisingly Fede awarded himself the haddock – but caught everyone off guard by delegating report writing duties back to Captain Baxter. D’oh!
Report written by Jonny Baxter
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