So many of the Witan classics happened on Saturday that you could be forgiven for thinking it was the drunken mis-remembering of several other games, or at least copy-and-pasting of old match reports.
Some of the old faithfuls that were relied upon were:
Lots of goals, terrible refereeing decisions, throwing away a lead when looking comfortable, Ben Wright missing the game for vague medical reasons, Bangers agonising over footwear for too long yet still slipping hilariously, Dele not committing to playing next week, Marcus turning up in a lovely jacket that was inevitably going to get filthy, under-provision of kit and of course, Baxter subbing himself repeatedly.
The Blues of course didn’t forget the true finishing touch of any generic Witan game: Bangers getting multiple haddock votes for something completely innocuous – this time the crime of getting kitted up early.
Despite being one sub short at kick-off, and Fede being discombobulated by some uncharacteristic selfishness by Divakar leaving him in padded cycling shorts, Witan started brightly.
The front three of Outback Jack, Magic Mikey and everyone’s-fantasy-captain Theo were flying, teasing the Fulham Compton back four from all directions, and creating multiple chances for Jonny to spurn.
The skipper’s fourth attempt on goal within just 20 mins was not poor finishing, but miraculous defending – an unreal stop on the post by Compton’s full back as Jonny got to a great set piece. There was no repeat two minutes later when Dele’s even better header – again from a corner - flew into the top corner despite the keeper’s best efforts. Sussex’s answer to Harry Maguire with his first goal of the season.
Witan’s one nil lead didn’t last long – as it was soon doubled. Danny Payne floated an incredible ball over the top, which Jack left for an onrushing Mikey, who lobbed the keeper with finesse. The quality of the goal was only knocked slightly by Danny immediately apologising and confirming he did not mean the pass.
With Witan seemingly coasting into the half time break, there was time for one Fulham long shot to hit the outside of the post, and left-back Deasey to be the victim of an outrageous nutmeg by the opposition number 22 – shame mixing with betrayal on the Australian’s face as the realisation came that the act was perpetrated by another Jez.
Half time came with Witan still two goals to the good. The break bought substitutions aplenty and even a switching of shorts for joggers, with the kitbag woefully lacking. “Woefully lacking” could also serve as an accurate description of the official’s decision-making, whistle-blowing, and foul-noticing skills.
During the half time break, he (and the Fulham Compton players) were confronted by a man holding a clipboard. Whether this man was a club official, a league official, or just holding a clipboard for a laugh, we never found out, but the fouls Witan were awarded did seem to dry up in the second half.
The first such instance was when Theo was breaking out on the halfway line, only to be clearly tripped. The turnover lead to a chance for Fulham, and it was 2-1.
5 mins later, the referee couldn’t be blamed, but an equally catastrophic goal was conceded, and Witan were level and looking shaky after a great first half. The ball was pumped forward by Compton’s keeper, Dele and Diva confused each other, and the opposition striker was able to nip and limply poke the ball home.
2-2 and Jonny tried for a treble sub, forgetting that Bangers was not fully clothed, meaning that some more short-swapping was required – seriously, who has nicked all the shorts?
With Witan still level, but looking completely down and out, Theo almost conjured a moment of magic, whistling an effort just past the post with the keeper well beaten. That was unfortunately Witan’s final highlight - apart from the comedy highlight of Bangerter finding out he should have gone with the soft ground boots. But it was unfortunately not the last chance of the game. A long ball was pumped forward by Fulham, Danny Payne won the header before being thrown to the ground, which the ref again didn’t notice. The ball returned to midfield, where it was played out wide and Fulham’s angriest player’s hit-and-hope cross was met for the winner.
A disappointing trudge back to the pavilion followed after letting the lead slip, despite the opposition’s unbeaten start to the season, Witan know they could have got so much more from the game.
All that was left was the exciting news of Danny having his first ever shower and the voting formalities, with Dele grabbing MOM and Bangers having to pretend to be shocked at his haddock.
Report written by Tom Bangerter
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