As the working week came to an end, the sky cleared and brought with it another quite lovely day for a game of amateur football. The only problem was that that game of football was on a pitch completely inaccessible by public transport due to some people saying they didn’t want to drive the train. Most of the players battled the conditions to get to the ground, whereas others decided to have organise a Christmas dinner instead… you know who you are!
As the players trickle into the changing room, the echoing cry’s of “can we see right into the oppos changing room?” repeat as the intimidation tactics along with some rather pumping rap music intensify the room. However, fortunately for Witan, this music pumped up the two Sturgis brothers, marking their full 1s bro debut. Big mistake!
Witan got out for an unfamiliar early warm up with a couple of players, Ben W and James, having issues with their footwear on a quite groggy pitch, whilst young model Deli munched on one of his many packs of Hula Hoops, confirming they were necessary due to their rich content of salt.
(20 mins before KO) Slip 1: James takes a shot and slips, ending up on his backside
As the warm up continued, the wild Pokémon Delbert suddenly appeared with high spirits and his fold up camping chair, asking for a last 5 run out; 50 years on from his first Witan appearance!
(10 mins before KO) Slip 2: James makes a pass and slips, ending up on his backside
Witan charged out the blocks and put immediate pressure on the home team. Fred was lively from the off, striking fear into the oppo’s innocent LB. A quick throw-in into Bangers 5 minutes in opened up the midfield as the Swedish blooded boy attempted a “complete fuck up of a flick”, luckily landing at the feet of the Brazilian old-timer-wonder-kid(?) who whipped in a deflected shot behind the (definite ringer, referred to as “keeper” to his new teammates) despairing keeper. 1-0 Witan.
Keircam - 10 mins, Blackheath shot straight at Baker
10 mins came along and the eventual haddock moment would be firmly set in stone. The ball came in from the opposition’s pacy right winger, a simple clearance for the Cancelo look-a-like. Generously, after a call that may or may not have come from Witan’s #1 “my client refuses to comment”, the ball was laid off to their number 9. Luckily Del used his Confusion move to put off the striker who passed the ball to Keir 3 yards out. It was super effective! Witan’s RB grew a face of relief.
Witan’s forward players continued to cause havoc and 5 minutes later the ball was played through to Theo who bullied his way down the wing and played a goal on a plate cut back for Bangers who couldn’t miss. Yet… he did, and boy did he miss! Another haddock shout, with the ball still stuck in orbit…
Keircam - 20 mins, Blackheath shot straight at Baker
More pressure came from the midfield duo of Michael and JB, combining like a young Xavi and Iniesta around the isolated oppo CM. Michael then played in Theo who penetrated their defence but eventually led to nothing.
With the midfield of Witan keeping complete control of the centre, JB seemed to have picked up either concussion or short term memory loss due to his inability to remember Witan’s first goal! The 4 consecutive headed chances from corners was clearly too much for the poor ageing legend. (Funny he can remember this though…).
With 25 mins on the clock, another chance came but this time it was clinical, Bangers brought down a falling ball and completely turned the defending player and crossed in a lovely set up for Deybson who was looking to replicate his new Brazilian hero, Richarlison, with a beautiful bicycle kick. He completely missed the ball but instead (maybe tactically) ended up at the feet of Theo who cut inside and blasted the ball past the keeper. 2-0 Witan.
In response, the opp’s big unit in CDM took to the sidelines to deposit his phone, which he’d had in his pocket from KO!
The next 15 minutes… let’s just say the Gods were looking down on Witan that afternoon!
A ball from the big unit was sent splitting the Witan defence leaving a 2v1 between Keir and the inevitable goal scorer. In classic Blackheath fashion, a sweaty goal was incoming as a pass across the goal left the striker with an open net… who absolutely bottled it and smacked it bang on the top of the bar. Big let off for Witan!
More chances came and went for Blackheath with Danny, Keir and Deli keeping the side 2-0 up, with another Blackheath effort striking the bar.
At 30 mins, Ben’s boot had clearly seen enough and deteriorated having not been worn since the UK came out of their last recession! A faked injury forced the ref to finally stop play and let the substitution take place.
Slip 3: James comes on and doesn’t slip!!!!
31 mins
Slip 4: James jockies their right winger, turns and slips, ending up on his backside.
5 mins before the half, Fred and Theo cause chaos down the left side of the Blackheath box, repeatedly threatening to cross the ball but instead deciding to beat the full back again and again. Eventually Fred pulls the ball back to Theo who lets it run through his legs - falls to Baxter whose left foot snapshot from just inside the box initially looks promising but curls wide of the far post.
Keircam - 40 mins, Blackheath shot straight at Baker
Half time, the ref blows to the complete shock of the opposition player who yells surprisingly “So you do have a whistle?”.
The second half started with minimal chances, some good players by Michael and Bangers feeding the Sturgi’s amounted to nothing. Jez was falling over in classic Xhaka fashion, taking any opportunity to collapse to the floor for a hopeful free kick from the referee.
Keircam - 50 mins, Blackheath shot straight at Baker
After 60 mins, James decides to take things into his own hands and took on two players on the left side “sending both to the shops” with a sharp turn, then quickly whipped in a ball into the middle of the box which nearly resulted in a goal.
However the game changed shortly after. The jinky right winger bursted through the despairing Witan defence only to precisely finish into the bottom corner. 2-1 Witan.
The thing is you should always be terrified of a front three of Theo, Bangers and Fred and only a matter of minutes later Theo plays a nice ball in behind, Fred running past the onrushing keeper got to the corner and crossed it back in to the in-form Bangers who finally connected properly with a half volley and jabbed it in. 3-1 Witan.
Moments later, another golden chance and almost goal of the game as Theo’s shot from the left side of the box falls to Baxter inside the box. He rolls the defender then chips it over the defender's shoulder to move from his right foot to his favoured left but his half volley attempt was blocked by Blackheath’s big centre back. Witan are now pushing for that final goal to complete their victory!
Keircam - 70 mins, Blackheath shot straight at Baker
With only 15 minutes left, Fred jinks to the right and fires a low shot from a tight angle from about the edge of the box and rebounds off the inside of the post. Something is coming….
Unfortunately this was at the other end, with Deli passing back to a wounded Keir Baker who sliced the ball straight to the oncoming striker in classic Ben Wright fashion. Luckily, Danny again put his body on the line, like a young Phil Jones for a goal bound block to keep Witan’s two goal lead.
Only 10 mins left and with his shiny new boots, Ben W was feeling, once again, his inner Cancelo. A neat side step past their LW and a clean nutmeg pass through the big unit in midfield, lead to Deybson playing a wonderful back heel back to Wrighty who took a quick shot from the edge of the box, before being hacked down by the incoming defenders, some say it went way over, some say it went towards the goal, most say what is he doing so far forward?
Blackheath pushed more players forwards for the last 5 and Witan were getting penned in. Jonny’s head injury led to him shouting at Theo to hold the ball, who responded “I am”, Jonny says “that’s not a criticism, it’s an instruction”. We still don’t really know what this actually accomplished.
With Blackheath pressure building, a freekick in our half started a potential downfall. The ball floated in was punched away by Keir but only as far as the feet of their attacker. The ball pinging around a little before their centre back manages to turn and shin in a shot past Keir and Danny who was left stranded on the line into the same bottom right corner. 3-2 Witan with only 6 minutes left to play…
Fortunately this was Blackheath’s last opportunity as Witan then held on with some good corner flag hold up by players on left hand side to close out the game.
Witan end up with a big 3 points to go top of the league and maintain the push for promotion and title challenge!
Michael comes away with a well deserved Man of the Match with his best performance for Witan almost taking a clean sweep of votes. However all was not perfect with James’ disbelief that Michael was staying for drinks and not accompanying his bestie to hold hands and giggle together on their return travels.
Best of the votes:
Motm: Danny - incredible performance and that goal saving block towards the end *chefs kiss*
MOM - Fred. Completely unfazed by their full back calling him a ginger cunt and constantly fouling him, skinning him at least 16 times
Motm: Michael, great work in the middle and quality on the ball
MoM - Michael. While the rest of the team were stuck the mud, he seemed to glide across the pitch, running the midfield.
Fish - Ben Wright. Can’t get an assist for Witan; and despite trying very hard, can’t get one for Blackheath either.
Haddock: nick wyver who lives down the road having a Christmas dinner at 1pm in November
Haddock - A Nick Wyver slam dunk taken away by THAT Bangers miss. Much worse than the miss that won haddock last week
Haddock: Ben for that beautiful lay off to their winger in the first 10 minutes
Report written by Ben Wright
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