Witan 1s were looking for their first home win of the season after last week’s big away win took them to second in the league. A rare dose of punctuality from Jez Deasey meant that the team were largely ready well ahead of kick-off. Only Witan’s newest double act James and Michael (following in the tradition of Almos and Mikey, Tiny Nick and Wrighty, and Kyle Ryan and a massive bag of cans) were late due to a combination of busy trains and James’s fibre-filled diet.
Despite a decent warm-up, the game did not start well for Witan. A needless turnover in midfield around the ten-minute mark led to a corner for Economicals. Even with a much-improved defensive record this season, Witan’s old Achilles’ heel of defending set pieces remains. After dealing with the first ball, they were powerless to stop the ball being bundled in.
Economicals had looked the more dangerous in the opening stages but were coming in equally hot with verbals from the first whistle, with some seriously shite banter throughout (something this writer is an expert in).
The goal seemed to awaken something in Witan, with some sharp passing between the midfield triumvirate of Federico, Baxter and Page opening up space for Deasey, whose first time cross was blocked by an arm, meaning a penalty and an immediate chance to equalize. Unfortunately, Deybson was unable to dig the ball out of the crater that was supposed to represent a penalty spot well enough to beat the keeper.
A scuffed clearance shortly after came to Bangerter, who half volleyed wide from 40 yards trying to catch the keeper out of his goal. Moments later, Jez supplied a wonderful cross whichJosh Cogan headed into the top corner from the edge of the box. Joy turned to despair as the goal was ruled out for offside, a sign of the frustration to come for Cogan for the remainder of the game.
Witan didn’t have long to wait for a goal though. The game was crying out for someone to grab it by the scruff of the neck, and right back Ben Wright duly obliged. Receiving the ball from a switch by Danny Payne, he ran, and ran, and ran, going almost from box-to-box, before prodding a smart pass through to Deybson, who drilled home to make up for the earlier miss.
There was no time to enjoy parity, as Economicals went back in front almost immediately. The ball appeared to have gone out on Witan’s right-hand side, but the ref allowed play to continue, before a smart switch by the away side found their own right winger, who beat James Silva at left back and smashed home a great goal from the angle.
Witan were not at the races, and seemed to be losing their heads slightly in the final moments before half time, with some needless and sloppy fouls coming in. But for the home side, the half time break did not bring any fresh impetus, as the deficit was extended shortly after.
Danny Payne was felled during an aerial battle, with the referee choosing to ignore the head injury and play on. While the opposition put the ball out, Payne was clearly still woozy as Witan returned the ball to Economicals in recognition of their fair play.
A long punt forward by the keeper found an attacker in behind, Danny’s tackle somehow managed to give the opponent an even better position, and he crossed for an unmarked teammate to make it 3-1.
Witan struggled to create, and when Bangerter got to the byline after a smart throw-in, it looked like a great chance, but the keeper got out quickly to block the attempted dink back into the box.
Then, after a cleared corner, the day’s most outrageous dive (of which there were many) from an Economicals player ceded possession to Deasey, meaning a chance for a counter. Deasey was unable to spot Josh just inside the Witan half with the entire opposing half free, but knowing Josh’s luck on this day, the ref would have called him offside anyway. Jez instead carried the ball forward, and while the defence had made it back en masse, he slipped through Bangerter, who smashed a cross which evaded everyone.
With the rare forays forward for the home team resulting in blocked shots at best, and Economicals winning set-piece after set-piece, it evidently wasn’t Witan’s day. This was made even more obvious when Payne was punished for standing strong in a 1-on-1, with the winger running into him having clearly lost control of the ball. The free kick flew directly in from what seemed to be a crossing position, with half-hearted appeals for offside as three opposing players blocked Keir Baker’s view.
At 4-1 and with Witan looking like they wouldn’t score if the game continued until next week, there was still time for drama. Jonny Baxter’s long frame delivered one of the slowest slide tackles ever seen, cleanly got foot on ball… and may have brushed the leg of their tricky winger who had been making the most of contact all day.
The winger launched himself into a perfect swan dive, before rolling around on the floor. He begged the ref to show red for a tackle that was too slow to hurt someone even if that had been the intention, and then, to continue the high-quality banter that had been seen all game, called Baxter “an ugly cunt”. Interesting choice of words from someone who appeared to have stolen Mr Burns’ nose.
The next action point has since been described separately as “too funny to win haddock” (incorrectly by Baker and Deasey), “an embodiment of a mid-life crisis” (by the perpetrator) and “the most cringe thing I’ve ever seen on a football pitch” by the person it was parodying, who apparently tried to take that title back by pulling down his sock to show Jonny the non-existent mark the “dangerous tackle” had left on him.
Having beaten a man in midfield, Bangerter was stopped in his tracks by a poor tackle that made minimal contact. Enough time passed for the player to apologise and the ref to signal the free-kick, before Witan’s number 10 yelped “my leg” and performed what one witness described as a “surprisingly good somersault”. It looked a little something like this (presumably):
Certainly, this was more from the Robbie Keane mould than the Obafemi Martins playbook.
Writer’s note: It’s been more than 24 hours since I committed this ridiculous act and I’m still confused as to why I did it – but I’m also still laughing, and I was able to take the haddock with rare dignity (only asking for one recount). It goes without saying that my free-kick delivery was absolutely abysmal.
The final chances of the game saw Ollie Potter juggling the ball on the edge of the box but unable to shoot cleanly, and 2 minutes later, the keeper again cleared straight to Witan. With the receiver slipping, the ball rolled to Page, who fed Deybson, who lofted over.
The ref blew the final whistle to cement a 4-1 loss against a strong team who surely won’t be languishing at the bottom of the league for much longer… unless they start giving out points deductions for dreadful chat. Witan will be desperate to bounce back at home next week against Blackheath – trying to improve on a 0% home record thus far.
Haddock has already been explained in detail, but MOM went to Ben Wright for an excellent assist.
Written by Tom Bangerter (Bangers)
Comments