Hold on to your hats, folks, because I've got a football match report that will have you laughing so hard, you'll forget that it's a report on a game where one team lost miserably (at least that’s how it felt!).
Let's start with the lead-up to the game. Simon Wright, a key player, initially declined the call-up citing a mysterious "knock." But when he found out that Phill and Mike Wells were playing, Wright's injury miraculously healed, and he immediately accepted the call-up.
But the show must go on, and so it did. Mikey Wells, who sprinted to the game to get into the changing room for meet time, was fired up and ready to go. However, Jez had some "bits" to do, so he turned up late. And Keir, who apparently had some issues with the concept of stairs on his way from the station, was also running behind.
But the real drama was off the pitch, with Keir's sister hitting on Mikey Savage. Poor Mikey, he couldn't catch a break - he pulled his quad during pregame warm-ups, and then had to deal with Keir's sister's advances.
Despite these setbacks, Witan got off to a flying start. Within three minutes, Jez crossed a perfect floater ball to Josh, who knocked in a controlled header at the back post. The crowd erupted in cheers, but the ref seemed more concerned with the pitch's width and paced out the field in disbelief.
Throughout the game however, Josh Cogan seemed to forget how to shoot, with shots that went well wide, over, or out for a throw when his teammates were well-placed. The best chance Strand had in open play was an offside goal, about 20 minutes in. It was a neat finish between Keir's legs but thwarted by a good defensive line.
The game had some exciting moments, too. Prior to Strand's offside goal, Mike Wells hit a Trent like half-volley pass over the defense to Jez on the wing. And at the 15-minute mark, Keir saved a one-on-one, keeping Witan in the lead.
But there were also some moments that had the Witan fans holding their breath. In the 18th minute, Mike Wells played an underhit, no-look backpass that gave everyone a heart attack, Simon Wright, who had made a miraculous recovery, poked it out for a corner. At the 25-minute mark, Jonny chests down a clearance about 28 yards out with half a mind on a long-range shot. He slightly miscontrols it, then panics as Phill screams he's got a man on, and gives up on a shot halfway through his backswing. Instead, he just smashes it forwards, high and wide over the bar. The game had some near misses, too.
Early in Bangers became the prime Bale, blasting past their LB, having to run off the pitch due to his speed only to be “put off” by one of their subs and then being absolutely wiped out by a boot bag on the side of the pitch. It was a pure spectacle. Tom Daly would have been proud. Red card to the Nike boot bag.
At the 30-minute mark, there was a 1-2 with Bangers, 20 yards from goal, and Ben W with a great connection that was smashed just wide of the top left corner. Strand had a player who got through with speed and had a clean shot at the 35-minute mark, but it was a tight angle and went over the bar as a result.
At the 40-minute mark, Bangers wandered over to the left edge of the box to receive a throw-in. He collected and turned in one movement, then unleashed a Coutinho-esque curler towards the far corner. It hit the bar, and the rebound almost got me flush in the face.
Half time hit us like a ton of bricks, and their team must have drunk some Red Bull during the break because they came out with a vengeance. They threw more men up front and we were suddenly under pressure. But fear not, my dear readers, because we are a team of champions! We adjusted our game and before we knew it, we had more space to play with.
Just when we thought things couldn't get any crazier, Ben got whacked in a 50-50 in the box at the 65-minute mark. Strand were all screaming for a penalty, but the ref just looked at them with a blank expression. "What's up with that, ref? Are you blind?!" screamed Strand, at this point claiming for something to go their way.
Now, let's take a moment to talk about Mike Wells. That guy is an absolute legend. His intercept tackle followed by a no-look pass at circa 70 minutes was pure class. We're not worthy, Mike!
And then there was Ben again at the 75-minute mark. He cleared the ball in our penalty box and caught their little fat winger on the leg. The guy exclaimed for a penalty, but we all knew the rules of football. Sorry, pal, no penalty for you!
Keir was on fire during this game, saving 6 shots straight at him like it was a walk in the park. And can we just take a moment to appreciate the opposition's overhead kick just wide of the Witan goal? That was a sight to behold!
But then, disaster struck. In the 90+5th minute, Witan conceded again from a long corner flicked on at the near post, resulting in a penalty box scramble. Their winger managed to slot it in past a despairing Keir. It was a heartbreaking moment, but we'll bounce back stronger than ever before.
Now, let's get to the awards. The mom award was a close contest, but Phill and Mike Wells shared the prize for being absolute rocks in the defence and assured in possession. And as for the haddock award? Bangers took an absolute clean sweep for his hysterical take down by the opposition's bags just as he was channelling his inner Gareth Bale. Classic!
Throughout the game, Phill and Mike
barely giving them a sniff in open play. Phill's excellent organisation meant we were relatively unthreatened by their long throws for 99% of the game. And let's not forget about Jonny Page, Louis and Michael in midfield, who frequently showed great skill and awareness to collect clearances/passes forward, hold the ball up, beat a few players, and lay it off to a teammate.
Input by Ben Wright
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