Witan 1s 0 - 0 Wokingians

Fair warning readers: this is less a story of football, more a tale of insubordination, deceit and betrayal.

Witan 1s hosted Woking, determined to end a three-game losing run and avenge the previous weekend’s referee-influenced loss at Reigate.

In the days prior, Captain Jonny Baxter and Vice-Captain Ben Wright were once again fitness doubts: Jonny having added a foot injury to his post-covid fatigue, while Ben struggled with illness.

But with injuries mounting and squad numbers low, Baxter dutifully hobbled the mile-and-a-bit from Putney to Barn Elms, prepared to be emergency substitute once again. Match ball tucked under his arm, he ignored the draw of his beloved Nottingham Forest playing just yards away at Fulham, instead choosing to cheer on his comrades at bobbly Barn Elms. Meanwhile, Ben drew derision from his teammates and a popular early haddock nomination by staying at home...

With Witan’s 12 fit players having completed their warm-up (and Jonny having set up the goals) the match kicked off at a sedate pace. For 20 minutes, nothing really happened. Woking were kept at bay by the dependable duo of Danny and Dele, flanked by the excellent Marcus Salt and James Silva. Tommy H, looking assured in his attacking midfield role, even had time to stretch his calf in the middle of the game before his precautionary substitution handed Luke Hill his Witan 1s debut.

A nice ball over the top from Mikey briefly threatened some goal-mouth action: Bangers chased but was crowded out, with the Woking defender clearing just wide of his own goal.

30 mins into this snoozefest, Jez had had enough. Like a bored teenager flicking Tic-Tacs around a classroom, Jez craved some drama.

Pre-game, the referee had warned both teams he’d tolerate no nonsense and revealed he’d issued a sin-bin the previous week for an argument over a throw in. So cue general puzzlement when, for no apparent reason, Jez launched a quick throw-in directly at an opponent’s head from point blank range.

Luckily the ref brandished an eye roll instead of a card, along with a warning to “stop being so childish”. Tail between his legs, Jez retook a normal throw-in, which Woking cleared easily. No goals and no action, but 1-0 to the ref.

Finally, just before half time, some excitement. From 10 yards out, a Woking forward volleyed down into the ground and with the ball rising towards the roof of the net, Keir kept Witan level with an incredible reflex save, swiping his right forearm upwards to divert the ball over the bar.

Keir, a Cambridge law graduate who had a pre-game hissy fit over hypothetical grammatical errors, stated over WhatsApp afterwards: “I’m not too what happened for my save but it didn’t go on the da goal”.

Fortunately for everyone watching, the second half brought more action.

Calves now fully stretched, Tommy H returned to the pitch and forced a decent save from the Woking keeper with a firm right foot shot. Bangers then sent two shots narrowly over: first a hooked cross-shot from the right byline that many around the ground (including this correspondent) thought had dropped in. Then an audacious half-volley from 25 yards out prompted Bangers to yelp “Yes!” before the ball sailed just over the bar.

Witan’s full backs were both enjoying themselves: Marcus was absolutely dominant down Witan’s right, repeatedly dribbling past his opposition winger, while James jinked and jived niftily down the left. Michael and Luke held firm in a scrappy central midfield battle, winning tackles and getting the ball wide to the full backs effectively. Witan’s approach play deserved a goal but they struggled to create chances for their forwards. Their best chance fell to left-winger Jez but Mikey’s low, whipped ball from the right bounced in at an awkward height, leaving Jez in two minds, and he miscontrolled harmlessly through to the Woking keeper.

Searching for answers, Baxter pushed the industrious Jonny Page forwards to add some weight up front but he barely had a kick as Woking went on to dominate the final 20 minutes.

Just as in the reverse fixture, Woking struggled to create chances in open play but a barrage of corners almost gave them the breakthrough they needed.

On 70 mins, a Woking corner fell kindly to a Woking forward, unmarked at the back post, but he blazed over from five yards out to hand Witan a let off. Further corners saw left back James save his team with three goal-line clearances and with five minutes left, Woking even hit the underside of the crossbar after another corner wreaked havoc in the Witan box.

With tensions high and the match on a knife edge, Captain Baxter placed his trust in his teammates and neglected to bring himself on – and Witan saw the last few minutes out to complete a rare 0-0 and end their losing run.

Marcus took a landslide Man of the Match victory for his swashbuckling display from right back. His incredible work rate and bombastic runs forward saw him hailed for being “absolutely everywhere today, which maybe isn’t ideal for a RB, but whatever”.

Danny earned recognition for a typically stoic display (so many blocks), as did James Silva for his best Witan performance to date, complementing defensive endeavour with numerous party tricks and fine forwards passing.

Haddock was an altogether closer affair. Would it be pre-match Haddock favourite Ben Wright for his no-show, lambasted for not coming to support? Or Keir for his unsolicited outburst of grammatical snobbery in the changing room? Or would it be Jez for his “childish” throw-in antics that flew in the face of the ref’s pre-match warnings, or James for his traditional foul throws? Or would it be Marcus for giving up on a header mid-jump, before hanging his head in shame and turning round to chase back?

All excellent nominations but the answer was none of these, for in a stunning and unexpected display of insubordination, the vote went to Jonny Baxter for turning up but electing not to play – Captain Baxter who had defied injury and trekked to the game as cheerleader and emergency backup, supplied the match ball, pegged the goals, selflessly maximised his teammates’ playing time and spurned the opportunity to watch the Tricky Trees play live Premier League football for the first time in 24 years.

Thus, this no-score draw ends with deceit, betrayal and unswerving loyalty thrown back in the captain’s face… and minus-two fantasy points for the unused sub. Luckily he’s fine about it though. Honestly, he’s not bitter.

Report written by Jonny Baxter